Keeping it in the family

It was summer time and all had been good. I was in my mid 20s and loving my life. We were kicking ass at work and taking names over the weekend.

There was this girl who was 21. Brunette, slim, nice boobs, and had a little cherry tat on her lower stomach. She had been with us for a few months. She always seemed sane, nothing out of the ordinary. She would come in, take care of business, talk with us a little and be on her way. Same deal with the phone calls. This slowly changed over the next few days. She would make a point to come over to my desk and talk with me for awhile with some flirting. Then the phone calls started with her calling just to flirt. "Right on", I thought. A hot looking girl who has always been very nice is coming on to me all of a sudden. I ask her if she wanted to come over to my house after I get off work for some cocktails and pool time. Her voice got happy and she promptly asked me for my address.

She met me at my house and we started on the vodka pretty much immediately. My roommate (at the time) was drinking with us as well. So we swam, drank, ate dinner, and bullshitted out on the patio deck till the sun had been down and it was getting late. Everything thing seemed fine.

Her and I stroll on into the back and head into my room. I turn around after locking the door and she is right in front of me. Staring at me with a look that made me think "Well.... she definitely wants me but something in that look is something I haven't seen before." I barely got that thought process though when she reached out, grabbed my neck, and slammed my head against the door I had just come through. I remember thinking how cool it was to get with a girl who was dominate in the act instead of the other way around. So we go at it. Going back and forth with who was dominate. Was fun!

I get up and head for the door and ask her if she wanted some water or something. She looks at me seriously (as serious as you can after pounding vodka) and tells me "A long time ago your father got together with mom and had sex. I'm your sister. We are related." What do you say to something like that? My mind was racing around every reason possible why she would say this. I even for 1/2 a second compared her age to how long my parents had been married. Guess that was the booze thinking. So I just came out with it. "Why the fuck would you say something like that?" "Because it's true." she said while smirking at me like she "got me" or something. I stared at her and found she was not joking because she went back to that serious look she had been giving me. "So you just figured you would wait until after we fuck to tell me?" No answer.
I walked out of the room and down the hallway while shutting the doors, almost all the way. I go into the kitchen and drink some water, pondering what the fuck I just got myself into. I never had one problem with her in the office or on set. What snapped? Eh fuck it. It was now 2:30 am on a Wed and knew I was going to be hurting at work. It was time to take care of this.

I approach the hallway door and I can hear footsteps pacing back and forth. I crack the door and peer in to see her walking down the hall away from me, mumbling something. When she turns around she is looking down and didn't see me. I open the door trying to think what to say to her only for that to be brushed aside immediately. As soon as she sees me starting to open the door she drops to the floor and pretends to pass out. Then starts repeating "Why why why?" Crap! I go into my roommates room and after apologizing for waking him up, I tell him he needs to help me with this crazy bitch I just had sex with that is now telling me I'm her brother. He laughs and comes out.
She is still on the floor passed out if you want to call it that. Yet when grab her to pick her up, she starts yelling, cussing, and flailing about until we let go. She is now sitting on the floor just looking at us and won't get up. Eventually we get her to come out to the front on her own will to "smoke a cigarette". After, I tell her she needs to chill in her car and drive home when ready. That I can't have her in my house yelling and talking bullshit about my family. My roomy and I get some water from the fridge and have a couple WTF laughs in the process. We are both about to head back to our bedrooms when we hear yelling from outside.

I open the front door and what do I see? This girl is now on her knees, in the middle of the road, with her arms up in the air, at 3:00 am in the morning yelling to God. "Oh God why why why!? Why doesn't he like me? Please God make him love me!" over and over. Ok this is getting just plain retarded I thought. This girl has sex for her job and yet she decided to flip her lid with me? I bite the bullet and call the girl I had been dating. Told her I fucked up. That I got with this girl, she has gone psychotic, refuses to leave, and I believe has taken up religion.

She arrives and gives her a "Bitch you better get the fuck out of here." She gets into her car and just immediately floors it. Now you gotta realize that my street goes for about 1/5 a mile and then bends sharply to the left. All three of us are watching thinking "Ok.... ok... she's gonna slow down any second." Nope! She makes the left going at what I would guess would be 40-45 mph an hour. We then hear tires screeching followed by brief silence, followed by screeching and then a horrific sounding crash.

Paramedics were called. Restraints were tied down and spit was flying through the air but they picked her up and took her to the hospital. I heard later down the line she lost her license and was trying to get work elsewhere but that didn’t go so well.

 

Me, Myself, and I... ARE PATHOLOGICAL LIARS!

I was warned about this one model in particular who was coming out to stay at the house with a couple others. I was told she was a liar and a thief. This was true. What was not said is that she can't have a conversation unless it's about herself, and herself only.

They all arrive and I introduce myself. I go sit down and continue my video game playing. They all go out to have a smoke and this model (let's refer to her as Ms.X) would not let anyone finish a sentence. Constantly referring anything that is being discussed to her. I tune her out, snap a bowl, turn up the volume, and start (or at least try) to get lost in my game. At this point all the models are just listening to Ms.X talk about herself and have given up trying to add to the conversation. About 30 seconds go by and X starts calling my name. I tell her to hold on but that doesn't stop her from calling me several times in a whiney voice. I answer in the same voice "Yes?!"

I get "What's wrong with you? You have all these hot chicks at your house and you're playing video games?"

One of the models pipes in "He's use to it. This is nothing new for him."

I laugh because she was right. What I wasn't laughing over, was the fact that everyone in the house (except me) was listening to every word she was saying but that wasn't good enough. How dare someone not be interested in a conversation no one could add to except the person who started it.

Ehhh.... so that was the intro. Let's move forward and get this shit ball rolling. All other models have gone back home. Ms.X has not had work in a few days but wants to stay at the house longer regardless.

I have passworded my computer because one model infected the fuck out of it and it took me 2 days to get it back to normal. Ms.X pleaded and pleaded. Finally I told her ok but promise me you will not download or install ANYTHING! She looks straight at me and tells me "I promise."

Two days later it's the weekend. I'm alone in the house. I walk over to computer, turn it on, and walk away while it boots up. After enjoying a quick smoke outside I come in and sit down to Windows Live Messenger in the center of my screen.

Son of a bitch! What the fuck did she not understand? I grab my phone and call her.

"Hello?"

"Hey it's me. Why did you install messenger on my computer?"

"It wasn't me."

"Really? It wasn't you?"

"No"

"Then why is your name saved into the field?"

"I don't know, but it wasn't me."

Well of course it wasn't her. What was I thinking? I haven't used MS messenger in 10 years. It had to be me!

So Ms.X has borrowed a car from a female friend of hers and has had it a few days now. The friend is out of town and wants Ms.X to give the car to a guy friend. She was told she has had it long enough and wants to help the other friend out.

I'm coming home from work and the weekend is about to start. I plan on stopping home for 5 minutes to grab some herb and head over to my buddies house. I open the front door and there are no lights in the house on but I can hear Ms.X talking on the phone. She pokes her head around the corner. Tells the person on the phone she has to go because I'm home and needs to talk to me. She has makeup all over her face from crying.

She tells me the story again about herself on how she obtained the car. Then she gets into how she doesn't want to give the car to the guy friend because the guy is mean and once hurt her girlfriend. I tell her that's fucked up but bottom line is.... it isn't your car. She starts crying and tells me she heard someone outside trying to open my garage door to take the car. Guess she took the liberty of taking my parking space. When she went outside she said she heard people saying things like "I think she's outside." I walk out in the alley, look in the garage, walk around the house... nothing.

I had parked outside and she asked about the car at the end of the block that has been sitting there with it's lights on. Told her there were 2 people sitting in there. She starts freaking saying I don't need this. Everyone hates me. Why is this happening to me?

I told her I didn't see anyone or anything to suggest someone was here. I will circle the block and let you know. I get in my car and she already has me on the phone. I go by the car that has been sitting there and right after I pass it, she starts asking me what I saw. I tell her I couldn't see the guy in the car but I saw a little of the girl that got out.

"What did she look like?"

"It's dark I really didn't see much."

"What color is her hair?"

"Brown"

"OMG OMG I know her! I know her! Dude there out to get me! Why are they fucking with me?"

At this point I have parked my car on the other end of the street with a perfect view of my house and "the car". I'm sitting there wondering how someone could completely ID someone based on a hair color when I see her come out of the house. She starts yelling at the car down the street while waving her hands in the air. "HELLO! I see you! Why don't you come and get it instead of acting like a bitch? Fuck you!"

She calls me *sigh* and tells me she's going down there to talk with them. So just to get this straight, she was scared to death of someone being outside the house and is now going to walk right up to them. She walks down there while yelling. Two minutes later she tells me that it wasn't who she thought it was. It was a couple just getting ready to out for the night. I tell her I'm out and going to my buddies.

It's been about an hour and a half. Having a few beers, talking with friends, playing some games, a perfect relaxing Friday. My phone rings and I answer it to Ms.X crying again, going on about how she heard someone on the side door of my house this time and heard someone in the garage. I ask her what do you want me to do? She wants me to come by again and look around. I tell I had been drinking and don't want to drive. I was only 5 minutes away but shit. I tell her to just park the fucking car in the front and let "them" have it. She tells me she is to scared to go outside by herself. In the end, I grab 2 buddies and roll back to my house.

I arrive. Grab my bat and spider co while I head out to the garage. Nothing. I look in the alley, nothing. Look on the side of the house, gate closed. After she tells me how she is feeling again I tell her to park the car in front. She argues about how she doesn't want this guy to have the car. I yell (yes yell) It's not your fucking car and not your decision. DO IT!" I walk her out to the garage and tell her I will meet her in front.

So while the 3 of us are waiting out front, who comes around the corner. A cop car! He rolls by real slow while starring at us. I'm thinking great, I'm going to get a drunk in public ticket in front of my house. The cop passes by as Ms.X rolls up. I tell her the police just rolled by and she responds "Oh I know. I called them! They're going to be patrolling all night." Well mutha fucka! I just got dogged by the cops in front of my own place because of you! I tell her I'm leaving and won't be back tonight because I'm going to be having a few more beers and can't risk getting pulled.

Next morning I arrive at my house and she is up and about. She immediately starts talking about last night and it's of course all about her, how people don't like her, how she fuckin felt... jesus. I cut her short and tell her it's done and I don't want to hear about it anymore. I sit down at my computer, login, and what do I see?

Fucking Limewire running with a folder of downloads! Holy mother of diarrhea! I forgot to password my computer. Ok I think, let's try this face to face.

"Did you install Limewire on my computer?"

"Ya. Is that bad?"

"Well ya. You promised me you wouldn't and limewire is notorious for getting viruses!"

"It's wasn't me."

"W-w-what?!? You just said it was but because it's bad, you didn't?"

"I don't know I don't know"

"Whatever. You are not allowed on here anymore."

Now it's monday. I'm at work with still sometime on my lunch break and want to pay some bills. Pull up timewarner. Hmmm that's weird, my bill seems a bit higher than normal. Hmmm. Who the fuck ordered 2 porns back to back?!? Gee I wonder. Time for another phone call.

"Hello"

"Hi"

"You ordered 2 porns on my on demand."

"No I didn't."

"It was ordered on a Thurs at 1pm when I was at work. Also no one else is at the house."

"Why would I order porn when I could watch myself in my own movie?"

While that response is something she would say, I wasn't buying it for obvious reasons. Such as no one was at the house but her. Time to password protect that now.

I come home from work and my buddy are playing some Modern Warfare 2. It has been out for less than a week and we were all about it.  About an hour into play we hear the front door open. We both look at each other like "Oh shit. Let's not make to much eye contact so she doesn't start talking about herself for 30 minutes." She comes rollin in with some guy, says hi, and sits on the side couch. The guy introduces himself and asks if that is the new Warfare game. We say yes it is and it's badass!

Ms.X chimes in "Is there anyway you could turn that around?"
I look at her "What?"
She points at the TV "Can you turn that around?"
"The TV?"
"Ya"
"Why?"
"Because I could really use a bullet to the head."

I ask why would you say that. Oh fuck! Bad idea. I won't bore you but needless to say it was about how everyone hates her and she doesn't know why. This progressed into all these people that supposedly want to shoot her... blah blah BLAH. This goes on for a while. The whole time the poor guy with her (who was very nice) was trying to talk but couldn't get a word in. Pretty soon Ms.X was telling us this guys entire history. He did this and that, where he's from, what his job is. Ya know, stuff that the guy was trying to say himself. At the end of her address she says "He just never talks though."

My friend and I both did a quick laugh outburst quickly covered up by us both coughing. Classic

So that's about all I can remember. I really need to write these blogs down when they are fresh. It's been a couple of months and the only new news is I received a UPS envelope addressed to her from a Ford dealership in Texas. She didn't own a car when she was at my house. So after she left she bought the car and used my address. Obvious right? She called into the office for work. I told her what's up. She tells me she has no idea why they sent it to my house. Guess I will never know that mystery =p